Creative Writing Practice

[Oliver]

When you were deeply asleep the last time your were asleep, did you miss life?

I bet not. Therein is a great mystery. Are we really alive when we are unaware?

I'd say 'no' in a figurative sense. And another great mystery: why didn't people develop web feet or horse hoofs to save from having to invent shoes?

[Oliver]

In the misadventures of Binky and Dlinka and their conclusion in mid-June, 2009, a brief post script.
He lived his remaining days tolerably active--which was fortunate as his spirit would have accepted no less. Somewhere, though, was always a tinge of sadness in his heart, even during his private laughter. 
His year total was not remarkable in any sense, preceding those still a solid generation older than he.
He had been blessed with a lifetime of extraordinary idle time which a few others had probably silently judged, but for him the "idle time" had been a paradox of sorts, as he really rarely was able to truly enjoy it, perhaps akin to an escaped prisoner trying to live under cover without being recaptured........(?)
He was discovered in bed after his fatal "grabber" and it was not a pleasant circumstance for whomever encountered the scene some days later. Worse, he had not gotten around to arrange his final affairs, leaving the fate of his estate, valued at around $11.07, in limbo.

She lived for many, many years, always with an underlying bitterness. The truth, as far as some others were concerned, was that she was suffering a certain chemical imbalance with a fancy name, but, Dlinka didn't know this, so her life was normal to her. Unlike Binky, whose solitude found as its basis never having felt worthy of being loved, Dlinka founded her solitude upon feeling too worthy of being loved,,,,,,,and thus, too, had died alone in her bed, discovered some months later, along with many dead pets.

And so, their passings were little noted, nor long remembered and their houses decayed. A wild  blanket of nature eventually adorned where they once had wasted much of their lives.     

[Oliver]

Grogan hated his name. More specifically, he started to hate the fun that was made of it when his school years began. It was never totally clear why his peers needed to make fun of his name. He took some solace in that it at least had a guttural, masculine sort of sound to it, unlike, say, the feminine "ooo" sound in "Bruce" along with its soft "c", indicative of a lisp, considered very weak and hence, effeminate.

Grogan mused that if his name had been "Hogan", all would have been well, at least name-wise. Yet, he would have still had to deal with the various attitudes about his below average height, as if he had ever had any significant say-so over it. Actually, since human brains had always triumphed  over brawn through many millions of years, he wondered why all the extra toil is so gladly used for a 7 ft. man when a 4 or 5 ft. man can function just as well. Then he remembered that tall people really had no choice either.

Then he remembered that size is relative and that a 7 ft. man is tiny compared to an elephant. But then, girls usually were not attracted to elephants as mates, but would choose the 7 footer over the 4 footer...Why?? Whatever the answer, the idea of more brawn (physical strength) being preferable just shows that even with all the evolution to date, humans still have a lot of "animal" left forever inside them. Maybe they eat too many animal crackers.         

[Oliver]

2 and 1/2 yrs. after Binky died, Dlinka came out of hiding, feeling he had turned sufficiently into maggot pie so that she'd be safe from his disgusting ways. She spent her mornings meditating with old 60s simple, shallow "music" blasting away through her headphones. Afternoons she snacked alot extending well into the evening. Then she shared her thoughts, mostly superficial ones, with the world, and part of the world became sick of her. The other part was too stoned and diseased to form any opinion.

Meanwhile, Binky was in Hades, forced to listen to all the kid music of his peers of the 60s and 70s.
But it wasn't all so bad. There he reunited with an old girlfriend who had overdosed and she was as loony-tunes as ever.

[Oliver]

Yarderlob: Hey there, Crimpsted, are you fordstunting any?

Crimpsted: Hey there to you, Yarderlob! Nope. Didn't get up in time.

Y: Why? Are you ill?

C: No, it's just that Crumperpot stayed too late last night and when that happens I always drink too much Grossle and then have trouble getting a restful sleep.

Y: You should do what Ted Mack always said he did, O.D. on Carter's Little Liver Pills before a show, especially if the acts were going to be horrible.

C: Say, I might try that, Crimp...You don't mind if I call you Crimp, do you Crimpsted?

Y: Yes. I do mind. You're acting insane, you clown! I am YARDERLOB!

C: Oh, right you are, Yardy....Er, you don't mind if I call you "Yardy" now, do you Crimpsted?
 
Y: You know, Crimpy, I?m now glad you did NOT get to go studderporking. It?s not safe when your mind is absent like it is now. Too much Grusslejuice, even those low in Flirt-Dittums, will paint ravishingly painful Bolly Horts in your submarine conscious and it leaves you unable to even circumfot!

C: Well, Lobby, you cain?t take it with you! Unless you?ve suscaboomed off a foundation wall at least twice.

Y: Well, I?ve heard that some only need one time to pull it off, but the least is 6 times to put it back on. Or at least my latest copy of the World Guiness Book of Records from ?77 says that Mr. Vandiver Vorked Vummsumm, 82, of Vally Viper, Vermont, vented verbally a vituperous vortex of viscum. Vud vu vike to voe vhy?

C: No.

Y: Vittles!

C: Say goodnight forever, Yarderlob. Ve von?t be back, at least not wee two.

Y: Vood Vight! 

 

[Oliver]

Corn Dogs are very sad to think about. Even if they are Corn Dogs On Parade, there is a melacholic stigma to them.

It all started in 15 B.C. when Augustus Corn Dog was running to catch some food, and up from the ground came ah bubbling crude. Oil, that is, Italian T,,,Black Gold,,,,,,Oh the 1st thing ya know, old Augustus's a millionaire. Kinfolk said "Gussy, move away from there!" Said, "Illinoisy, is THE place to BE!" So they loaded up the chariot and moved to Danvilley",,,east end that is, dead bodies, cess pools, .....(banjo picking, up beat)

So, that's why Corn Dogs bring tears to most people's eyes. Ellie May Corndog was jealous of Ginger Hotdog) who was 76 yrs. old today, about the age Mrs. Howell was way back in the mid-60s.) The crickets only add to the woe of the scene.     

[Oliver]

It has been brought to my attention by the little sheep that lives out in the alley that I never discussed the politics of Binky and Dlinka. Oh, my, that's true! (er, I think?) Actually, I forget all of what I said of their little charades, but, if memory serves me (which it does not) Binky was a member, so to speak, of the Crank Party, hence, a "Cranker" and Dlinka was a staunch member of the "Self-Righteous" party.

Now, basically, the difference between those 2 parties is the difference between night and day. While an essential part of Dlinka's political training was learning to look quite condescendingly down her long nose with an expression of disgust, or of having just smelled a railcar of rotten potatoes, Binky's group focused on such things as putting on Howdy Doody puppet shows and saying amusing lines, like, "I'm from the fine city of Chicago Illinois where our brand of politics is known world wide for its compassion, humanity, highest standards, morals, ethics, integrity, blah, blah, blah. Why, we can even get puppet Presidents elected!! Ha ha ha?!

In any event, with such polarized policital points of view, how did Binky and Dlinka ever last more than 5 minutes? Simple. Binky kept his little mouth shut. He had heard all of Dlinka's old, worn-out crap (stay out of the rest of the world's business, business men are all evil, in fact, all men are evil, it's not fair to have such a range of wealth, it should be spread around, and on and on and on) but he simply overlooked it....Why??..........Well, basically because he was an idiot. As he discovered little by little her screwed up past, with screwed up relationships,  and all sorts of man-hating tendencies, he should have simply said, "Dlinka. Let's NOT see each other again. We have so many 'impossible differences' that we'd need a 10-digit calculator to tally them all up! Be gone, woman--if that's what you are--and be sure to take your broom there with you parked just outside the door!!!" "Oh, and take your concrete cookies back too!!" End of short story.

Alas, such was not the case. She initiated entering his life at what happened to be a very low point for him. So, the little saga all happened because he simply was a fool, and not merely an April one.

In the previous B&D Adventures, Binky's demise was chronicled. However it was never mentioned how strange and sad he felt knowing that hers were the last lips he had ever  kissed in his mortal life on earth, and those kisses from her were as long and as fake as her Self-Righteous Party's long list of phony promises. But, such is life.

The End   

     

[Oliver]

The slimy toad that hops by now and then jogged my memory.  It involves the Stupidest Thing Binky ever did after Dlinka left. It so happens that one piece of unfinished business, at least in Bink's mind, involved returning a bumbershoot that Dlinka had loaned Bink. He had put it in the back of the bottomless closet and stumbled upon it several years after she escaped figuring NEVER to have to even think of him again.

Well, inside the bumbershoot was engraved, "To Little Dlinky From Mumsey"......Bink realized how special it was and felt it only right and proper to try to return it.

Still, he knew Dlinka well enough to know that anything of the sort most probably could be such an invasion of her privacy that she would equate it to being raped & murdered; being tortured far worse than in any Dicken's tale, or EVEN being audited by the I.R.S. down to every penny of her income(!)

So, what did Binky DO with this dilemma? He finally told himself to just do what was right, and to disregard her convoluted emotions. As SHE once herself had told Bink, "ya know, there are ways to find out where almost everyone IS, except maybe for D.B. Cooper..."
And so Bink DID manage to locate her castle, with the moat, the drawbridge, the snapping gators. Oh, and the barbed wire 69,000 v. fence.
 

So, one nice day in spring, Binky carefully loaded the bumbershoot into his backpack, put on his 1954 Keds, and headed up to AKSOG, IL. To his astonishment the 69,000 v gate was wide open, there were no gators around and there was an eerie silence. So, he gingerly stepped ahead and placed the shoot by the front door and hurriedly left.  And nothing ever did come of it. In fact, Bink later imagined that perhaps she never even saw the shoot, that a neighbor kid may have stolen it, or perhaps a creature form the black lagoon  made off with it before she had ever found it.

He finally realized that it had been a stupid thing to do, to have potentially frightened a person he had onced cared for, and still did in ways. He never went back, so she should have concluded she had nothing to be worried over, but then again, when one person considers another person "crazy", all bets are off the table.

Then the dog gave the fleas a bath.     

 

[Oliver]

News Item: Census Bureau preliminary results for Dangville, Illinoise indicates that the town grew at the highest rate in the entire United States. The 2000 A.D. total, always controversial as to whether to include the medium-security naughty boys at the prison in the total, was officially 33,878. The 2010 census, however, was tabulated at a remarkable increase: 987,688,222. Mayor Schott was elated at the prospect of ALL the revenue/Fed. Gov aid that should be generated, not to mention his pride at being the Mayor of the LARGEST city EVER in existence!

The success for this remarkable population increase apparently involved counting ALL the ants, roaches, mice, rats AND illegal aliens in the total--(and a few envious Tiltonians, too)

As a result, the city council has unanimously voted to curtail ANY spraying for mosquitoes, etc; to maintain this economic boon. Said Alderman Balwin, "With luck, we may be able to double our census for 2020!" At the rate residents are currently departing, leaving future eyesores to amass the new residents, Balwin's hopes may well be realized. End.   

[Oliver]

Dangville Census: Additional
There had been planned the mandatory canvassing of those inhabitants who were missed by the census count due to wanton neglect, illiteracy, paranoid embarrassment, problems with the wife, etc; Even the pests were going to have their ant hills, wasps nests, etc; knocked upon gingerly to compile accurate stats, involving the census takers using tiny little notepads and erasers, etc; HOWEVER, since Dangville's population had soared about 987,000%, it was decided to leave well enough alone.

The census takers were all given free coupons for Schroeder's fast food as a job well done in addition to the regular contracted amount, $882,000.   

[Oliver]

In 2206, Binky's great-great-great grandson, Binky the 4th, was in his lab further developing the prototype of a device to be called "Selectaboob". It was to be an easy an inexpensive way for any female to have complete control over the size of her bosom.

Just as a random, and hence, complicated series of electronic events occured coupled with other random factors, Binky IV sensed a very faint notion of murmuring somewhere. Turned out that Binky IV's uncompleted "Selectaboob" had stumbled onto the thoughts of the deceased!!

From the incessant murmer of the deceased,he tweeked the former "Selectaboob" to home in on specific dead people. Overall he was able to detect that there was neither heaven nor hell..The afterlife turned out to be simply the "reality" of the dead person's thoughts. The dead did *not* suffer horrible pain for eternity, (a pretty low-down punishment for existing ONLY a split-micro second in eternity BinkyIV truly thought) AND the dead did *not* endure eternity in angel wings faced with any number of moral dilemmas, such as wondering if it were OK to make love once again to the first wife who had died while his 2nd wife was up there just as dead and yearning.

He also discovered that the thoughts of those considered pious were,,,,,well,,,,not so pious...

Also, those undeniably most wicked of all humans apparently thought they were "OK guys" and believed their massive barbaric slaughters and infliction of deliberate pain was no big deal, and even good for a few sexual kicks to boot!

After BinkyIV looked long enough into the bottomless pit of man's inhumanity to man among all those dead people's thoughts, he seriously considered devising a machine to either rid the planet of humanity, or to engineer genetics as in Brave New World, but in a far simpler way: human behavior of each and every person would be UNable to do, or want to do, ANYthing except love to hear Dave Brubeck piano music, and talk politely and enthusiastically about interesting books such as Junius Maltby discussed. Most of all, though, BinkyIV would make love the "till death do us part" agreement that had been striven for since the days of Adam and Eve.

So, with a forelorn heart, BinkyIV decided to check out his own family line. Alas, all the prior Binkys had been lazy, inept, immature, simpletons who, remarkably, had managed relations with females who were intelligent, mature thinking workaholics--a mystery if there ever was one of HOW they could've hooked up with a "Binky" at all!

Turns out the original Binky was worst of all. His dead thoughts revealed such a self-induced pathetic little pile of excrement, that again, BinkyIV was stunned still further. And the endless references to some being called "Dlinka" was the biggest mystery of all. Binky on one hand felt some lingering fantasy to be in her arms, looking up at her witch-like face, murmuring little coquettes of "I love you, Dlinka. You make me so miserable!" And she would say such sweet things in return, "Binky, you fool, I'm about to barf all over you!".

BinkIV was *compelled* to seek out Dlinka's take on their "relationship" that never was. It was very hard to even locate a brain cell or 2 left from Dlinka, but he finally succeeded. Apparently all Binky had been to Dlinka was sort of as a pet eunuch. She was not really intending to 'lead him on' (old 20th century phrase meaning to "fake it") since she perceived his intelligence to be about on par with, perhaps, a slightly smarter chimpanzee. So then, all of the "romance" was just unintended "collateral damage"(as in the coldest McVey sense) though she never dreamed Binky was capable of attaching ANY significance to the initiations SHE had undertaken, including her suggestive little letters and actual spoken professions.

With much deliberation, BinkyIV decided his "death thought reader" should never see the light of day. He felt it could have been the source of the greatest frustration ever known to mankind, since so many of those dead people's thoughts would make the living want to MURDER the dead people--but they were ALREADY dead!

Well, returning to the original device: the newly improved "Selectaboob" sold very well in 2206 even with all the talk for eons from the feminists, among others,about HOW degradating it was to females to be considered only a piece of meat, blah, blah, blah..Truth had turned out to be that females genetically WERE predisposed to HIGHLY wanting to be that lusted after "piece of meat". And they were predisposed to NEITHER shed their blood on par with the men in the unspeakably horrible but *necessary* battlefields, NOR were they as inclined to mold the earth from the tiniest atoms to form the greatest towers to the sun, the space probes to the farthest reaches of the solar system, the most artistic paintings ever created by a human being, the sweetest, most meaningful music OR the greatest hinderance to their quest for "true" equality: not wanting to take OUT the garbage OR squish the nasty spider.

Well, BinkyIV's little 900 or so word little story is over for now. He wishes you all sweet dreams and to remember: someday after you've departed, someone may be eavesdropping on your dead thoughts if someone stumbles upon like BinkIV's death-reader device,  so try to make sure the undertaker has you in clean underwear, please!!  Thanks!!       

[Oliver]

One summery early May morning with hope, love & longing in the air, Binky sweetly & earnestly murmured to Dlinka, "Dlinka, I love you,,,forever and ever."

Dlinka paused a short moment, seemed to somehow narrow the space between her two aging eyeballs and replied in even an extra-icy tone,

"Binky, listen to me: you are TOO desperate! You are TOO needy! WhatEVER sensual, piggish, inexplicable 'pleasure' you delude yourself into imagining with my old body is NOT, and I emphasize, NOT going to EVER happen, Buster!  I'm way PAST all that disgusting stuff!

"For your information,ONLY 3 things 'ring my chimes' now: REAL men suffering physically & psychologically; sexy women, preferably needy; AND the category I mistakenly thought you were in: H-P-S-S-E (horribly-perverted-sexually-subservient-eunuchs). How WRONG I was! Why, you wouldn't even let me spit on you! And you claimed to LOVE me!

"NO! Find your 'mothering' elsewhere, Binkoo. I NEVER had 'mothering' in me, or at least that's what I've told myself since I realized I'd never give birth. So, flea-ridden cats are GOOD ENOUGH for me, don't you SEE?!

"HOW IS IT that YOU, BINKY, did not SEE who I was when you FIRST laid eyes on me?? ?? I was wearing my most IDENTIFIABLE tee shirt, REMEMBER? It stated: "I Have the wussy, So I MAKE The Rules".

"Ah, but you never WANT to SEE, do YOU? YOU want to put the eye doctors OUT of business! Well, you NEED to SEE one! You need to SEE who I AM! THEN, and ONLY THEN and AFTER you're altered--and prove it to me--WILL I EVER consider spitting on YOU again, Buster!

Binky, in ever-eager fashion almost cooed, "Dlinka, you mean you want them to SAVE the old part they cut off for you to SEE or for you to SEE the new hole in me??"

Dlinka: "Either, Binky. But listen: I'm making NO promises about ANYTHING! IF you get LED ON THIS time, it's YOUR own fault, Buster!"

Binky: "You are SO INFINITELY WISE Dlinka. I luv oo fo evah un evah...."   

[Oliver]

It was a casual May day, full of life, hope, yearning and Dlinka sat in her castle with the drawbridge up in her dank, blackened room full of kitty odors studying her Blorkfrum. She skiddishly crumpled up the 6th Sonnet she had composed for Doorfot, her favorite devil-cat. Try as she might, her attempts were simply unacceptable to what her heart wanted  to say. For instance, the latest barrel-burner went like this:

"Oh, oh, oh, my deeeearest, and kinnnnnnnnndly Doorfot,,
My aging mind hath somehow forgot,,
The summer we pledged to wax my table
While we both had crushes on Betty Grable
Hubba Hubba"

So, she did the usual, swept the chimney, frished up the bombadun, often (usually weekly, especially when the moon was in the 3rd house, her very favorite) spun the tail on the Harklunt alllllll alone..But, Dear Reader, (hmmm, if there ARE any)(really, I should KNOW by now) do not feel sorry for Dlinka OR Doorfot. They're toughened, hardened souls, who THRIVE on solitude feeling sorry for themselves. Anyway, the Harklunt doesn't care whether the spinner is alone OR in a multitude.  Its woo-der gastlum is assured regardless.

The Middle

 

[Oliver]

Arvella, an ant, was not well-liked in her colony. She never understood it and he was very, very hurt by being essentially ostracized whenever she came upon a group of coworkers homogeneously* mixed, they all seemed to squeeze an extra millimeter away from her, even as they did their Stray Cat Strut or the Crazy Twist which was part of their job description.

As she got older, in the teen years, she began to think about "getting even", such as, luring as many as possible to a disguised ant haven motel (to look like a bordello) to meet their doom. Or inciting her little fellow red ants to take on the huge black ants and have them face their last stand.

But by the time she matured by about age 61 or so, she began to think that the reasons she had been disliked for so long were her lying, stealing, untrustworthiness, selfishness, nastiness, incessant bargaining, (always unfair bargaining, too AND she thought also that maybe her scent had been a big turn-off. Her smell was quite different from normal ants, but, her mom the Queen had had a hard time with her birth, along with the millions of other sibling births. Also, she had had a habit of name-calling, such as, "Hi ya, Fat Thorax!" or "Git otta here, Larva Bag!"

Anyway, Arvella sneaked a grain of the ant hill away one night while they were all watching "All in the Family" reruns (they seemed to have a somewhat unnatural perversion to Edith. Arvella just assumed it was a 'girl thing'and therefore no big deal)

The grain loss was immediately noticed. They had a cow (a very tiny one, though) over it. As a result there was a witch hunt so to speak, and a lot of good, hard workin' ants were executed having to listen to a Wayne Newton Ant Impersonator.  Meanwhile, Arvella hid the grain where it'd never be found: in Al Gore's shorts. Certainly Tipper had stopped checking there a long time ago.

And so, the moral of this story is: if ants don't like you, do something to bug 'em.

(I know, I know, it was long & pointless but I have to try hard to not try hard to live down to your expectations. In this case I believe I did rather well, too.)

That's All, Fokes!         



*nothing whatsoever to do with homosexuality or homophobia, simply used to mean "well blended, evenly mixed"

[Oliver]

Where did it last happen? Beyond the mighty Furpdale most likely, as one will not sense the addendum quite as rationally without relegating Bat Masterson's wake-up call to Tony Blair's outlandish sense of fumigation. Why, you ask? Why not I reply? I just did. So there.

When the noise gets too noisy the impossible get going, not to stand wayward in the guiles of matrimonious trails & trials, but to hither sink placidly into the lake of the same handle, namely, Lake Garrison the Idiot. But before the next commercial break, let us discuss the meaning of the neutrality of Spain in WWII. You go first. I know nothing about it.

Often I have walked down the street before, but, I've rarely walked UP the street before since I am so set in my weights. Heavy, man, like, heavy.

Studebaker, now THAT was a REAL car!