Creative Writing Practice

[Oliver]

I'd like to bring some slight but totally unnecessary attention to some misleading lyrics.

Granted, they are from a song about 11 hundred years old, but, some innocent child may stumble upon them sometime and my conscience will symbolically be "cleansed" to a degree (only Bon Ami would truly work, however) by stating that: In the song from the 30's (?) called "Just One of Those Things", it states "a trip to the moon on Gossamer wings".

The Russians did try Gossamer Wings , and didn't even make suborbital insertion. We tried Dumbo's elephant ears, a very early dismal failure.

So, kids, don't believe everything you hear from lyrics. They can be really devastating!

[Oliver]

Sorry. The Creative Writing Practice Shop is closed today. There is a problem with the boiler. After everything's all mopped up and ship-shape again (which is actually not a bad thing since we all are on a ship in space right this moment in case it had slipped your mind while you worry about taxes, your social problems and all the rest) you may happily come here to happily post and happily live ever after just like in all the little kid's tales.

Till that happy time, always remember the "Creed of the Pencils", which I forget at the moment, but I'll look it up and share that next happy, happy, happy time.

[Oliver]

And the one spider taking a break at the water cooler said to the other,
"Let's go frighten a stupid human!"
"Man, we could get killed!"
"So, what you worried about? Isn't it worth it just to see how a tiny thing like us can cause those carcasses to jump and scream?"
"You got a fatal sense of humor, Man...."
"And paint some red spots on your back. Make 'em think we're poisonous! More hoots for us!"
"Er, have you,,,,er,,, ever thought about which way would be best? You know,,,being stomped? Sprayed?...."
"Hmmm. Think I'd like to jump out of a plane at 18,000 ft. without a chute."
"You might survive, though. Even those bird-brain humans have done that and lived!"
"You believe everything you read, Ollie?"
"Yes, Miss Francis Black-Widow taught me to believe everything when I was young."
"Gol, what a killjoy. Forget the whole thing. Let's get back to our last hour of spinning before scurrying home to the bottom of our separate junk boxes that have been undisturbed for the last 6 yrs. or so."
"Good idea, Esx.."

[Oliver]

The beautiful and graceful butterfly gently lit on a beckoning gorgeous sunflower. The flower instantly screamed for the butterfly to get off! The butterfly got immediately hostile and defecated on the flower, and cursed terrible epithets ('Yo muthur's uh tulip!")

All of this was caught on video by a passing bee who turned it in to the Maury Povich show and it'll be aired on Feb. 30, 2009. Consult your local listing. 

[Oliver]

Why must there be such unfettered joy in the Universe? Where has all the woe gone? Instead of two lonely souls partially hidden in the dark, silently grieving for each other, as should rightfully be the case for 2 people who are truly sick of each other, that is only a distant recollection now, the best of times.

The way it used to be? Ah, tears flowed so freely..There were constant commiserations, somebody's horrible death, a shattered heart, a kitten lying in the highway....It was a far, far, simpler and rewarding time.

Come, let us silently come together and show the world we can still celebrate being as miserable as humans can be! Here! I'll go first: Bwaa Haaaaa Haaaaaa Haaaa!!! Here, you try it too!!........Come on!.....My show's coming on in 5 minutes! 

[Oliver]

Zlunkard: Hello, Zubdadeety.

Zubdadeety: Hello, Zlunkard.

[Oliver]

And the most remarkable thing about the Ywn'ls is their keen ability to figure out nothing. They break the laws of nature at will, as an afterthought. While hovering in one spot, they go anywhere they don't happen to care anything about going. One would think this would foster some confusion, but essentially all it does, for practical porpoises, is to foster children. The call of pancakes is too great to ignore. The procurement and subsequest hearty stuffing is the part of life the Ywn'ls destest. That's why they are almost never found at pancake events, or certainly by the kitchen stove.

[Oliver]

I am told, it seems daily, that I live in a horrible place, where nothing is right,that  there is no decent lederhousen, er, leadership, that all is dying, people are low-life, vile, stupid creatures, that all is hopeless, and that a ghastly pall hangs heavy in the meth-laced air.........


Gee, there's no place like home, there's no place like home,,,,,there's no place like home.....Yeah....

[Oliver]

Do you ever found yourself procrastinating, that is, delaying, by finding other things to do instead of what you should be doing? Like, shouldn't you be doing something else right now instead of reading this nonsense?

If you don't have a serious problem about procrastinating but have even a worse one, perhaps I can help. If your debilitationg problem is having an obsession with my nonsense, I have a few sure-fire cures, permanent ones, too.

The Consumer's Reports top-rated choice, by far, to remove yourself from my nonsense requires only passivity on your part. What could be easier? All you have to not do, is pay your electric bill! You see, I am only able to cloud your thinking via the wonder of electronics and electricity. So, rather than break your computer, if you get your electricity turned off, you'll still have a working computer and maybe you could even sell it for, say, $5. Then you could go out somewhere and treat yourself to something really special,,,,say,,4 or 5 items at the Dollar Tree?? Huh? (You'd have to have at least 40 cents max. for tax or else you could only get 4 items.)

Have you ever even dreamed of what you might splurge on up there for $4?? How about an umbrella? That would be handy for today. How about a helium balloon that says "Happy Valentine's Day, Loser?" It would be fun to take it outside and go through a ceremony of some sort, and wish it well on its final journey to the heavens and if you had your cornet with you you might even play the DHS Fight Song as it swirled away towards Menards, and the airport and St. Line IN where the space aliens live disguished as ordinary humans.

Well, you still have $2 to kill. Humm. Ummmm. 3 cans of potted ham! It isn't the barfy-aroma-gag-type either, it's "Armour", a good name and quality product that you simply must eat without thinking about it.

$1 left.  Well, of course I always believe in saving for a rainy day, so I'd normally keep the $1 for the great comfort and security it offers. However, it is rainy, so what the heck, how about buying a card to give to one of the sweeties up there at the register that give you the big eye?? Or do they do that with everyone? Well, screw that. I think you deserve a treat. Something caloric and plentiful, like cookies with lots and lots of trans-fats. Or what about that plastic jar of cake frosting ? Chocolate, vanilla? (They don't have strawberry, sorry, unless it comes in on the next boat from Pakistan.)

Don't know about you, but I'd splurge on one of those small flashlights that say "Try Me!". That would help when you're stumbling around in the dark because you chose not to pay your electricity bill.

Have a wonderful day! 

[Oliver]

Tilfurd's rancor was enhanced by the gnashing of little bell-bottom-wearing house mongers. The apathy at which he approached the paddle was hardly beguiling. There was never enough talcum powder for the cat and the dog never failed to cruelly tease the cat about it.

When the DeLattre?s came to pluck their plums on a yearly pilgrimage, the band played ?Who Can I Turn To? while the grammarians protested out front, one time resulting in a self-incineration, an 88 yr. old man who said that nobody cared anyway, so it wouldn?t matter.

There is much to be said for nothing. 

[Oliver]

There is a time in which the sayings spring forth as a water Lily in May, rooted deep in a willow overhanging the water, so clear, vibrant, refreshing, as the remains of all unseen lie beneath the surface, nay, lurk down yonder where fish feed upon the folly of misdeeds ruining an otherwise delightful abomination.

It is not to be said or not said, for that matter, that the incarnation of a sterling image there in the middle of Bloxyard's Pond, one of a highly ornate and detailed box of Pet Evaporated Milk is mere happenstance. In probing the microbes in that area, tasting, measuring, weighing, mincing, slicing and dicing, one might dream of yourcrobes too.

The distant bark of the happy abandoned doggie sweeps over the stillness, totally destroying the sanctity, in spite of the delightful sound of that word. Oh, where are the earmuffs when you most need them?? 

[Oliver]

It is very hard to try to be creative with this thread. There are no rules or regulations, other than I can't incite a riot or say nasty things about your mother-in-law. So, pretty much everything else goes. That's why it's so difficult!

So, to solve this problem a little structure is in order. By the inspection and a hard-fought battle to find a consensus of opinion in a committe consisting of Oliver and everyone else being absent, the following "little" structure for this thread is hearby (or is that "hereby"?) decreed, declared and rammed down your throat and there ain't nothin' ewe kin doo 'bout it!

Section 4b.987.6L: Posts must be more than 4000 words/numbers/ silly doodles long.

Section 2b or knot2b: The monitor screen must be sneezed upon at least twice in order to activate the sequence to discombobulate the holding pattern. (In the case of only 1 sneeze, refer to the black, ominous panel on the back of a 1930 Wheaties collector's box at the antique store of your choice and remember it's madatory for you to gain the clerk's attention by kissing whomever's picture is on the box's cover regardless! This MUST be done while reciting the "Owl and the Pussycat".

Section 1-4-the $$: Under NO circumstances can your post include the letter "--*". (*censored)

Section W882.urthe1.Plank Division A: In order to squelch the maximum enjoyment, the prerequisites are now installed: You must download anything from the internet-regardless of the speed-for 3 hair-raising hours while you analyze your life in such an introspective way that almost the last breath of meaning and desire to continue are at the cusp of getting an ice-cream treat. However, you are not allowed to 'cause I said so even though I am allowed. Life-and certain threads are certainly not fair, but anyone over the age of 7 and an IQ of about 60 knows this.

Section Gibblets On Parade 398756...lkj49-87edoiu: Now inure yourself and ur all set!

[Oliver]

There are times when the pieces of the puzzle look more like a partially eaten pie and taste even better. That said, it is not without promoting the situation, fraught with valor and constipation, that not only clasps at straws and ink pens, but balances wearily upon all that is not verifiable, at least not to the standards of Whumpum. (987 miles behind Oksoggee, MO.)

Now, why is this of any importance? Why, only because it's there, I tell you, and all who believe that the poems of life are like popcorn: kinda seedy and oft burnt. If your popper is designed correctly, it will only spew 75 to 100 pieces of popcorn around on the kitchen floor, where tis easier to mash them and sweep them together in a filthy dustpan to then easily put them in your bowl. Though ye of little faith would pass on this, it actually tastes very good this way, and better still by pouring gray water into the mix.

Without so much as lifting the reserves of candor into Eddie's box, it never becomes an inexorable chore to brighten up the back room's pile of gold. It can be slept upon, counted and munched on now and then without losing the transformed pages of insipid, yet inspired, effortless portraits of the Yamaha Vino 125 for $2,249 if you act in the next 2 minutes. If you are a bad actor or actress the price is only $1,999 since it would be so funny to see and hear. One who has read the preceding may need to question his/her priorities in the expenditure of his/her daily 1,440 minutes.

Thank you for the compliment. This is all. That does it. It's all over,the end, et cetera. OK?

[Oliver]

Stealing is wrong. Stealing is bad. There are consequences as there should be. You murder someone, you pay with your life. You steal a penny and you go to the pen. You steal a kiss, and get mono. All very logical.

[Oliver]

The storm unleashed its fury upon the ant hill. Arlan the Ant managed to swallow enough to save the hill and was awarded the distinguished "Five Chinese Brothers" cross.

Then, 5 min. later, the storm unleashed a bigger fury (8 cylinders) and Arlan was drowned. He was awarded the distinguished "Better Luck Next Time" cross, posthumously, of course.